Let’s start with flattery. Contrary to the old saying, flattery will get you anywhere, my old mother said if you can’t kill them with kindness, you may have to shoot ’em. So, here is my highest form of flattery to you: I am insanely envious of your new book 96 Hours, and I can’t wait to read it. I wish I had thought of that concept. I wish I had written it. I wish I had a share of the royalties.
Okay, compliments and envy, check. Next, a favor to ask. I am so sorry that I can’t make it to P Town for Women’s Week this year, but since I know you will be there launching your new book, I wonder if you might run interference for me with the great Kate Clinton?
You see, Great Kate made an appearance last week here in St. Pete, and sent me complimentary tickets. I felt obliged to use them and attend, because to reject her generous offer would perhaps inflame the irrational and unhinged delusion she inhabits regarding me, my interest in her, etc.
Still, I thought it precautionary to skip the meet and greet afterward, playing safe rather than sorry.
Boy, did I get a blistering email about that faux pas! Apparently I breached some (unknown to me) show business dictum or etiquette about not visiting backstage afterward to thank the performer gushingly for thinking of you. Whew. It took some pretty slick talking on my part to dodge that bullet, let me tell you.
The problem is, in trying to smooth this over with the GK, I may have exacerbated her fantasy about me a teensy bit.
I know you will be seeing her. I hope I am not asking too much of you. But really, do you think you could find a way to soothe her wounded feelings while not inflating her grand delusion towards me?
It’s tricky, I know. Lord knows I want you to have not a worry in the world other than the launching of your new book. But if you could bring yourself to schmooze the great Kate a little in my behalf, I would be in your debt.
To be honest, if in the schmoozing, Kate transfers her fixation from me to you, that may be a win/win. She would slavishly help promote your new book, plus she would be off my plate. Right? I would also slavishly, though jealously, promote 96 Hours, certainly one of the ten best books released this year.
What do you say? Can you help out an old friend? Well, not really an old friend. A new friend? Certainly an acquaintance. Well, you know my name, right? You’ve heard of me? Probably haven’t read my books, why should you?
Okay then. Bad idea. I get it.